A Letter Of Complaint
To: God CEO@Universe.com
I am shocked, appalled and dismayed at the treatment I have been given by your creation. I have dealt with shabby treatment before from companies, but in my research I have discovered that you seem to be the one behind all of these annoyances, both minor and major. In your role as Chief Executive officer and creator of all of reality, I think that rather than dealing with your middlemen and messengers, I would go straight to the head of the organization in hopes that you can effect some meaningful change.
To date, I have spent thousands of dollars on your son's birthday, spend most of my Sunday mornings as a child in your buildings, been given or bought between 20 and 30 copies of your instruction manual, listened to countless speeches from your employees and attempted communication with you on several occasions. I have not been acknowledged in any way. To date I have not received a thank you card, a return phone call, a note, a sign, a visit from one of your winged lieutenants, seen an ever burning bush, or been pelted with a rain of frogs, so I have to believe that you are ignoring and avoiding my complaints.
While I have a large number of complaints, I will limit my letter to a few, and when you contact me, I can go into more detail about how I feel your organization has failed to deliver on its promises.
First, I would like you to address the fact that after thousands of years, I still am required to work at a job. You would think that this antiquated method of procuring goods and services would be replaced by something a little more efficient by now. This shows that your organization is not looking for new solutions and being as innovative as a company like, say, Microsoft. You continue to punish me personally for something done by an ancestor I wouldn't have even heard about until I read your instruction manual. This Adam person who you claim broke one of your rules thousands of years ago is why I must live by the "sweat of my brow." Consulting with my lawyer, I can find no legal precedent for punishing me for something a distant relative has done. I respectfully request that this edict be lifted from me. I do not need readmittance to your "Garden", as I am not a nature lover, but would instead simply like the use of one of your nicer houses. The Basilica of St. Mary's would be fine.
Second, it says in your manual that you created our forms. I am not pleased with mine and would like a new one. I know that the kind of form I want is possible, as I see them on billboards and in movies. I do not think my form is all that unpleasing, but due to the fact that I have lived alone for a number of years, those who I would like to spend time with my form obviously do. If you could remake my form into one resembling Johnny Depp after working with a personal trainer for a year or so, I would be prepared to withdraw my complaint. I will not bring up how you have ... short changed ... me in the genital area, but this is also a source of complaint. The fact that you did not respond to my constant and repeated entreaties to you on this issue during my pubescent years was a source of many problems during that time, and I am thinking of seeking fiscal compensation for that trauma.
Third, you have created far too many idiots, morons, dimwits, jerks, fools, rednecks, mouth breathers, dumbasses, jabronies, big shots and teen boy groups. Please start thinning the herd. I have read that in the past you have sent plagues, floods and pestilence to aid in that. I have a number of suggestions for who and how you can begin this process. When you respond to my letter, we can discuss this further.
Fourth, your products don't seem durable enough. The Earth can't seem to handle simple nuclear and chemical waste, ozone depletion or harvesting without depleting some of the animal inventory or messing up the weather. Maybe you are using substandard materials, or maybe you just slapped the whole thing together in less than a week, but it is far past time you started upgrading your work and making it compliant with modern usage. Also, I am perturbed that I have been made of shoddy materials with an expiration date. We humans are able to create packaging that can keep Spam or Twinkies fresh for hundreds of years in adverse conditions. Couldn't you spend a little more on raw materials so that I don't have to fall apart, get old and die? I would be willing to pay more for quality materials. I do not mind the hair becoming gray, so I am not asking for that to be replaced. In fact, my hair seems to be about the only thing about me you have gotten right. I would also like some of the other hair that I have to be removed so that I am no longer mistaken for a Yeti.
I have been very unsatisfied with your work and your lack of communication over the years, and have been told that there are other corporations that are interested in my business. Among the other businesses I have looked at is one set up by one of your former workers. While portions of it sound attractive, I would much rather keep my business with you.
I look forward to you working on a resolution to my complaint and will be looking for some changes as a good faith effort on your part to show me that you are still interested in my business. At the very least, winning lottery ticket to show up in my wallet, a stunning redhead next to me when I wake up in the morning, or a new car in front of my house would show me that you are working to resolve the issues I have with your handiwork.
Cory!! Strode, the Best Dressed Man In Comics.
P.S. Please do something about your spokesmen as well. They really get on my nerves.
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