The Weekly News Update for 5/14/2006
This is the Weekly News Update for 5/14/2006 by Cory!! Strode, the man attempting to make a sport called Extreme Sleeping!
In our top story this week, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was said to have sent a 18 page letter to US President George W. Bush. While the Iranian leader said that the letter was an attempt to start talks with the US over the current nuclear standoff between the two countries, US officials said that the letter was an empty gesture and a piece of propaganda. Most world observers feel that the letter was not a serious attempt at starting a dialog with Bush, as it is well known that Bush nods off two pages into just about anything written, and if he were serious about it, he would have sent Bush a video with lots of explosions in the background.
The letter states that he is open to talks with US officials, but that the discussion of Iran's nuclear program would not be a part of the talks. The letter states that they could talk about “women they've dated, their favorite bands growing up, Bush's drunken and drug fueled escapades, their mutual love of the movie “Meatballs”, or who is going to win American Idol.” Bush said that until the Iranian leader drops his demand that Bush “wear something sexy before he calls”, they will not consider a dialog
USA Today reported that the National Security Agency has been collecting phone call data on BILLIONS of calls by American, none of which have been “international” calls. The White House has said in the past that they have only been gathering data on calls that emanate outside the US, and when asked about this, a White House spokesman said that they have re-defined what they call “America” to only include people who have contributed money to President Bush. The spokesman denied the story and then said that even if it were true, the NSA was doing it to fight terrorism and keep Americans safe. The White House then said that as part of their new initiative to save Americans money so that they can afford gas, they had been analyzing their long distance calling patterns, and would soon send every American information on what long distance plan would save them the most money. And if we didn't believe that, “9/11, 9/11, 9/11, why do you hate America?!?”
A recent poll shows that Bush's support among conservatives is dropping, showing that they are unhappy about how he is handling the federal deficit, immigration and not allowing Dick Cheney to start shooting members of the liberal media. Karl Rove emerged from his lair an has started giving speeches to try and win conservatives back, and said to look for new initiatives that they will approve of, such as: Not just prayer in school, but Rush Limbaugh leading those prayers; not just making English the official language of the US, but making “southern” the official accent of American discourse; and making it legal to shoot those damn kids if they won't get off your lawn, the filthy hippies.
The same poll shows that Americans feel that the country is going in the wrong direction at the highest numbers in the last 20 years. When polled, Americans feel that the country should have taken the exit about 2 years ago, and have been looking for a decent rest stop or a nice place to eat that isn't fast food for the last 50 miles. Oddly enough, this marks a rare convergence where the country is headed in the same direction as the home of the people who are making all the decisions: South.
The Internet governance board has announced that there will not be a “.xxx” domain signifier for the near future. The ICANN (Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers) said that they did now bow to pressure from Government officials who were bowing to pressure from Christian Groups, but instead said that th use of a special top level domain signifier for adult oriented websites...well, they went on for quite a while, which marks the first time this reporter has ever gotten bored and started playing “Free Cell” on his PDA while someone was talking about porn. One of the Christian Groups said that they were looking into the press conference and may use the ability to make porn boring another weapon in their “War on Porn”.
Speaking of War, the Iraqi parliament met last week, but adjourned in the middle of the second day when one of the Shia bodyguards had a cell phone tone that was a Shia Muslim chant. After the phone went off for a second time, a fight broke out, and after 20 minutes, both sides said that they were unable to work with each other and may have to sue. Parliament is expect to re-open next week as an agreement was brokered that all cell phones have to be set to having a ring tone of “Who Let The Dogs Out” so that everyone is equally offended when someone's phone goes off.
The Bush Administration said that the incident showed that American style Democracy is taking hold, as people are fighting over religious beliefs and will probably be taking each other to court for monetary damages. “That's what America is all about, getting offended over religion and using that as a pretext to extort money from each other.”
President Bush told reporters last week that he feels his brother, Florida Governor Jeb Bush would make a great President, and he should run in the next election. Jeb Bush, who has repeatedly said that he is not interested in higher office, said that he would not be running for President in the next election, and the only chance he would ever run would be if he was able to hire someone to hypnotize a majority of Americans to forget he was related to George Bush.
Of course, George Bush's endorsement could be a sneaky way of ruining Jeb's chances of ever running for President, finally making him the best brother instead of “the one who hasn't spent as much time in court as Neil.”
Former President Bill Clinton announced that he had brokered an agreement that would rid all schools in the US of sugared sodas within the next five years. Clinton said that it was a first step in helping fight the upward trend of obesity in the US, and he was going to spent more of his time working on important issues like this one. He said that his goal by the end of the year is to end the fight between “Tastes Great” and “Less Filling”; create a peace agreement between the Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers; and work with the US military and international aid organizations to see that the Rabbit finally is able to get some Trix.
Bankers have introduced a new 50 year mortgage in hopes of getting people to buy houses there is no way they could possibly afford in greater numbers. The mortgage requires the people who take it out to continue working until the mortgage is paid off, and since the vast majority of money borrowed for homes is from China, if a person is unable to work in the US, they are sent to China, where most American jobs will be by the year 2010. The vast majority of people who are taking out the 50 year mortgage said in a survey that they do expect to live to pay it off, but that they also expect to win the lottery, get rid of their current spouse for a much hotter one, and that they will be able to start a hit rock band when they turn 45.
In odd political news, FOX Chairman Rupert Murdoch announced that he would be holding a fund raiser for Senator Hillary Clinton in the coming months. So far, no one has checked to see if Murdoch is from the “Evil Mirror Universe” from Star Trek, if he has been abducted by an opposing twin or if he is just doing it to mess with everyone's mind. Said Murdoch, “Si laed gib eht tahw ees t'nod I.”
The so-called “20th hijacker” Zacarias Moussaoui has said that he wishes to withdraw his guilty plea and said that he lied on the stand when he incriminated himself. In doing this, Moussaoui s attempting to use the rarely invoked “Do over” plea that has not been used since “Smithfield Grade School Kickball Team v Bullies From The Junior High”, which has not been tested in the court system since it was invoked. Moussaoui has asked the court to rule quickly on his request, as he believes that every day he is not in court lessens the chances of his life being made into a movie of some sort.
President Bush said last week that he was not considering giving any “grace period” to seniors signing up for Medicare's drug benefit, stating that he felt that “Deadlines are a good thing.” When asked when we would be pulling troops out of Iraq, balancing the budget, catching Osama Bin Laden, finding the person who sent Anthrax to people and upgrading port security, Bush said, “I meant deadlines for other people. I don't do good with deadlines. Don't you people have jobs?”
Representative Patrick Kennedy (D – Guinness) announced that he would be checking in to rehab after an incident where he crashed his car while under the influence of prescription medications. Kennedy said that he was going to use the time to reassert control in his life, reconnect with his priorities and hopefully learn that the phrase, “No, I wasn't drunk, I was messed up on legal goof balls” is NOT a good explanation for why he crashes a car in the middle of the night.
Kennedy is the son of Senator Ted Kennedy who said that he was glad his son was going to get help, and was also glad that his son didn't have anyone else in the car, since it's bad enough having to put up with every low rent right wing comedian mention Chappaquiddick every chance they got. He was then “pantsed” by Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck who said it was the height of political debate.
Democratic Party leaders met to discuss the 2006 election and map out their strategy. The leadership announced that they were changing their party's motto from “Please stop hitting me in the face” to “Hey, look at how much those other guys suck!”. The party also said they were releasing a “vision statement” which contained many controversial statements such as:
-We believe in border security
-We support the American Family
-We believe that we can find a way to lose the upcoming election
even with the hooker scandals, gas prices and Bush being as
popular as a slumber party at Michael Jackson's house
Republicans, on the other hand, are already sending out campaign literature to supporters, and say that they need their votes this fall because “Democrats will try to impeach President Bush.” This may not be the best strategy to follow when Bush is at a 29% approval rating and dropping, and some in the Republican party are saying that if Bush gets below 25% they will have to change their campaign literature to “If you support us, we will impeach President Bush. We've got experience at Impeachment, and we showed back in 1998, we don't even need a decent set of charges to do it!”
Finally, a company has started a new cable channel aimed at babies. The creators of the channel say that they are targeting viewers aged 6 months to 2 years, and will be programming shows that focus on different colors and sounds, and simple, easy to follow content. FOX News threatened a lawsuit until the company announced that they were aiming at people whose chronological age was between 6 months and 2 years, not people whose MENTAL age was between 6 months and 2 years.
That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.
I remember the good old days, when they used the Watergate hotel for blackmail and stealing documents...and now they are defiling it with hookers. The shame of it all.