|Tuesday, June 29, 1999 10:18 PM
One of my co-workers now has a website for her dog.
That's right. Her dog has a website, and it's written as if the dog wrote it.
If I had any nads at all, I would go over to this persons desk, spin their chair around and go into one of my patanted tirades. I havent had one in at least 45 minutes, so it wouldnt take long for me to work up a head of steam.
ITS A DAMN DOG!! IT HAS THE CRANIAL CAPACITY LESS THAN A PIG AND ITS BRAIN IS THE SIZE OF A WALNUT! IT CRAPS IN THE YARD, EATS ITS OWN FECES AND COMMUNICATES BY SNIFFING BUTTS AND CROTCHES!! Why do people feel the need to humanize their animals? The dog cant talk, let alone communicate, let alone type, let alone learn HTML, let alone accept e-mail, and let alone give a damn about anything other than eating and humping! I thought Dana Plato wasnt important enough o have a website, but now its wide open, Dogs can create their own websites? Whats on the damn site, Butts it has sniffed? Carpets its ruined? How it no longer does anything but sleep after its last trip to the vet? The difference between dry and moist dog food? How the current budget surplus affects canines and who the GOD-DAMN DOG WILL BE VOTING FOR IN THE YEAR 2000!!?!?! I like dogs too, in the yard, chasing away burglars, catching a Frisbee, and licking itself in areas I can only dream of. But I wouldnt let them in my house, let alone Pretend the they are computer literate?
"Hi, I'm Barfy the dog."
NO YOU ARENT! You are a pathetic human being who projects your own thoughts and emotions onto a lesser life form because you cant deal with human beings who have thought independent from yours! Jesus God, why dont you shut yourself up in a shack in Montana and write manifestos so we dont have to read them and put up with your sick, twisted anthropomorphic way of treating things. I bet you name your appliances too, and assign them human characteristics? "My toasters a bit temperamental." NO, it isnt you moron! Its just not working right. Buy a new one! Its metal and wire and electricity, IT DOESNT HAVE A PERSONALITY!! Who hurt you so bad in your life that you turn to inanimate objects and animals for your interaction, because they are really good at screwing with peoples heads.
Thats it. I didnt believe people like Henry Hyde, Jesse Helms, Bob Barr and Tom DeLay, but I have seen the light. They are right. The internet is evil.
It must be stopped. If I cant stop it, then I must stop those who do it. It is the closest thing Ive seen to pure evil since the Eagles Reunion tour.
And people wonder why I drink heavily.
Of course, that's all just my opinion. I could be wrong.
[ Back to Dronings ]