Tuesday, June 29, 1999 10:18 PM

One of my co-workers now has a website for her dog.

That's right. Her dog has a website, and it's written as if the dog wrote it.

If I had any nads at all, I would go over to this person’s desk, spin their chair around and go into one of my patanted tirades. I haven’t had one in at least 45 minutes, so it wouldn’t take long for me to work up a head of steam.

IT’S A DAMN DOG!! IT HAS THE CRANIAL CAPACITY LESS THAN A PIG AND IT’S BRAIN IS THE SIZE OF A WALNUT! IT CRAPS IN THE YARD, EATS ITS OWN FECES AND COMMUNICATES BY SNIFFING BUTTS AND CROTCHES!! Why do people feel the need to humanize their animals? The dog can’t talk, let alone communicate, let alone type, let alone learn HTML, let alone accept e-mail, and let alone give a damn about anything other than eating and humping! I thought Dana Plato wasn’t important enough o have a website, but now it’s wide open, Dogs can create their own websites? What’s on the damn site, Butts it has sniffed? Carpets it’s ruined? How it no longer does anything but sleep after it’s last trip to the vet? The difference between dry and moist dog food? How the current budget surplus affects canines and who the GOD-DAMN DOG WILL BE VOTING FOR IN THE YEAR 2000!!?!?! I like dogs too, in the yard, chasing away burglars, catching a Frisbee, and licking itself in areas I can only dream of. But I wouldn’t let them in my house, let alone Pretend the they are computer literate?

"Hi, I'm Barfy the dog."

NO YOU AREN’T! You are a pathetic human being who projects your own thoughts and emotions onto a lesser life form because you can’t deal with human beings who have thought independent from yours! Jesus God, why don’t you shut yourself up in a shack in Montana and write manifestos so we don’t have to read them and put up with your sick, twisted anthropomorphic way of treating things. I bet you name your appliances too, and assign them human characteristics? "My toaster’s a bit temperamental." NO, it isn’t you moron! It’s just not working right. Buy a new one! It’s metal and wire and electricity, IT DOESN’T HAVE A PERSONALITY!! Who hurt you so bad in your life that you turn to inanimate objects and animals for your interaction, because they are really good at screwing with people’s heads.

That’s it. I didn’t believe people like Henry Hyde, Jesse Helms, Bob Barr and Tom DeLay, but I have seen the light. They are right. The internet is evil.

It must be stopped. If I can’t stop it, then I must stop those who do it. It is the closest thing I’ve seen to pure evil since the Eagles Reunion tour.

And people wonder why I drink heavily.

Of course, that's all just my opinion. I could be wrong.

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