[Cory didn't write me any introduction for this letter, but I decided to call it Rude Bastard #1, since with the way Cory!! makes friends, there's bound to be a sequel.]

Dear Godless Heathen,

Yes, rude bastard?

I read with disgust your supporting rant on the Impeached Adulterer Bill Clinton, who I cannot bring to call my President. I didn't vote for him, and neither did anyone I know.

Two points that I will refute. One, I don't support him. OK, I can see how you misread when I called him "a small man, in a small time, doing a job that no one in their right mind would want." as a voice of support, and next time I try to be clearer. Two, as for not knowing anyone who voted for him, I'm envious of your disconnectedness with the rest of humanity. 70% of the American People are supporting the job he does. Then again, I don't know anyone who watches "Home Improvement," so it is possible not to have human contact. I sit in my house and dream of redheads in whipped crème bikinis however, instead of looking for things on the internet to piss me off. Guess we won't be bonding anytime soon.

You go on to attack Judge Kenneth Starr and people who feel that it is their religious duty to bring down the liar in charge.

Yes....and...? I attack everyone. I'm an equal opportunity offender. Be thankful you aren't French, or I wouldn't be treating you with such kid gloves.

God will punish this country as long as we have a gay-loving baby killer in the White House.

So that's what we need to do to end homelessness, child abuse, spreading depression, the inequality of wealth distribution, racism, and the spread of beanie babies. It all seems so easy now. Oh, how I wish I could see the world in such simple terms, getting rid of all the silly and messy moral dilemmas. Then again, I wish I could believe in something greater than myself. Just can't. Sorry.

You and all of the other liberals are the ones who have brought our country to ruin.

Damn! The power I have that I waste. I didn't know it was up to me. Since it is, I am going to be changing a lot of things in the near future, so look out. Oh, and if you have been paying attention, I am a social liberal (In other words, people can do what they want as long as they don't hurt anyone else, but we should have a helping hand for those who need it. Didn't this Jesus guy you talk about all the time say that how we treat the least is how we treat him. I think that means we're supposed to be nice to people, or did I misread that and it really says, "Crush the poor, it's all their fault.") and a fiscal conservative (that doesn't mean we should give people a free ride, just some help up, which the Democrips forgot back when they expanded the whole welfare thing in the 60's. Oh, and I would like your Rebloodlican friends to quit giving big companies my tax dollars...they get enough money, thank you). Then again, I would imagine that you would call anyone who doesn't believe in burnings of books and witches to be a liberal. I'll send you a nice brown shirt to wear, OK?

I would like to thank you for your missive of love. Kiss-kiss.

Another letter read:

What is a pimp slap?

It's what I'm gonna do to you if you keep asking stupid questions. Do a websearch on pimp slapping, or just walk up to your local neighborhood pimp and ask him to slap you. Next thing you know, people will start asking me to explain when I use pop culture references like Sleestacks and Charles Nelson Reilly.

Much love. Kiss kiss.

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