The Weekly News Update for 2/6/2005

This is the Weekly News Update by Cory!! Strode, who still thinks that it's OK to run about two weeks behind when reporting.

In our top story this week, President Bush gave his State of the Union address on Wednesday of last week, and showed that his recent re-election has made him a bit cocky, as he pronounced the state of the union to be "funkalicious."

In his speech, Bush laid out a number of ambitious initiatives for the coming year, including a change in Social Security, spreading Liberty throughout the world and finally getting caught up on all of those issues of "The New Yorker" that have been piling up over the past year or so.

Bush also stated this his wife Laura would be spearheading an initiative to work with inner city youth to keep them off of gangs. Because, when you're talking street cred, no one jumps out at you more than Laura "Pickles" Bush. President Bush said that Laura has already started work on her new job in the administration by listening to rap records, sagging her pants, and referring to everyone in the White House as "her niggas."

After the speech, President Bush worked the crowd by shaking hands, talking with legislators, and kissing Senator Joe Lieberman on the cheek. I guess now we know what Bush meant when he said he had a Man Date.

Bush said that the kiss was not a change in his position on homosexuality, and told reporters that before he kissed Lieberman, he said, "You broke my heart, Fredo. You broke my heart." He then sent Lieberman a one of his campaign buttons wrapped in a dead fish, and Bush said, "It means his chances of running for President again sleeps with the fishes."

This just in, Laura Bush has now hired an interpreter to help her in her work with inner city gang kids when she discovered she was misusing the phrase "Fo shizzle my nizzle" thinking that it had something to do with hugging.

The Vatican announced that the Pope has been taken to the hospital for what seems to be a case of the flu. Vatican officials said that they expect the Pope to make a full recovery, but hey, these are the people who also think that if you tell a pedophile about the bad things you've done and recite a couple of poems, God will be OK with you coming into his house and using his towels.

In international news, Georgian Prime Minister Zurab Zhuania was found dead in his home, and the death is being blamed on a natural gas leak. With the death of Zhuania, the country of George has come to the end of the alphabet, and according to Georgian law, they begin again at the beginning. So, they were proud to announced their new Prime Minister Aaron Ababadab who said, "I will do my best to rule the country until I also die in a strange accident after I complain about Russian interference in our country."

In a thawing of relations, Israel has announced that they are ending their practice of "targeted killings" in the Palestinian lands. Israel did say that they will be continuing to fire at people in Palestine, but now it will just be random fire instead of targeted, and anyone who is shot and killed just happened to be unlucky that day.

In Iraq, the election results are being counted, and preliminary results are showing that the Shiite party is in the late, which is being taken well by the Sunni and Kurdish parties. At least that is how it seems, seeing as how their reaction to the news roughly translated to "Holy Shiite!"

Oh, come on...it's either that joke or "From the results we are seeing, it looks like Shiite Ahead!"

This just in, Laura Bush has announced that she will be visiting Arlington Cemetery to pour a 40 on the graves of soldiers who have given this lives in the Iraq War.

With things in Iraq dropping from extremely deadly to "Detroit after everyone in the city was given free crack for a month", international observers are worried about the escalating hostilities between the US and Iran. In her new role as US Secretary of State, Condi Rice assured reporters that an attack on Iran is "Not on the agenda." When asked what was on her agenda, Rice issued a copy of it to the press:

-Establish Democracy in Iraq
-Restore relations with Europe
-Figure out how to make Germany attack France again
-Change hair helmet to one that doesn't set off airport metal detectors
-Convince Canada that oil caused the National Hockey League lockout, and if they give it to the US, we will return their hockey teams
-Ignore North Korea until they blow up Japan

See? No attacks on Iran on the agenda!

Hold on...this is the same Administration that said they had no plan to attack Iraq up to two weeks before they attacked Iraq, and the two years since then have shown that they have no problem with starting a war without a plan!

Another story out of Iraq is that the insurgents are looking for ways to get more attention for their kidnappings, as they are no longer getting on the news by simply kidnapping US soldiers and independent contractors and threatening their lives. Last week insurgents released a picture of what they said was a US soldier that they had captured and were holding prisoner until it was discovered that the soldier being held was actually a soldier toy. The insurgents claimed that they were going to hold they toy until the US left Iraq, a Sunni government was put in place and Barbie lifted the restraining order on Ken.

This just in, Laura Bush has replaced Air Force One with an Escalade with tinted windows, spinning rims and enough bass to knock Abe Lincoln out of his grave to shake his allegedly gay bootie.

In other Iraq news, the US Army has announced that they will be paying Halliburton money that has been disputed since last year. The Army had said that they were unable to pay Halliburton since they were no able to produce any sort of supporting documentation for over Nine Billion Dollars worth of charges they were submitting. When asked why they were going against their protocols and allowing the payments to be made, an Army official said that they were told by the White House that if the payments weren't made, the people in Procurement would be used to show new recruits what sort of torture is allowed and what isn't for new Iraq prison guards.

Japan has announced the first human case of Mad Cow disease. Japanese officials say that they are doing what they can to keep the outbreak from spreading and feel that the man did not get the case of Mad Cow from eating infected beef, but instead got it from his part-time job of pissing off cattle.

In financial news, all five of the major oil companies announced that they posted record profits during the final quarter of 2004, and in some cases made almost double the amount of profit that they were projecting. When asked if this had anything to do with high gas prices, a spokesman for the companies just laughed and said, "What are you going to do about it, huh? Use a solar car? A wind powered car? Walk? You people are our BITCHES, and next year, we'll make even more money while you keep buying SUVs and pickup trucks! Bwa-ha-ha!" He then lit a cigar with a $50 bill and asked reporters to bring him grapes and virgins.

Another merger has been announced, with SBC Communications announcing that they would be buying ATT. SBC Communications is one of the "Baby Bells" that were created when the government broke up ATT back in the 80's and this represents the first time where a spin off company has bought the company that it has been spun off of. A spokesman for SBC Communications said, "And now the circle is complete. The student has become the master." A spokesman for ATT said, "If you strike us down, we will become more powerful than you can imagine," which prompted George Lucas to file suit against the merger, claiming plagiarism as well as reminding people of when he actually made good movies.

This just in, Laura Bush has announced that both of her daughters will be returning to school this fall, and said she was proud that they would be attending the "School Of Hard Knocks" in order to learn Big Pimpin'.

In his quarterly meeting with members of Congress, Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan said that interest rates would probably rise again this year, and he had serious concerns about the growing trade deficit and the effect it may have on the US economy. Greenspan said that there were indicators that the trade gap may stabilize, but that only 7 out of the 10 psychics they employ were in agreement on that, while the other three said that he would soon be replaced by Brad Pitt as he tried to work out his grief over the end of his marriage, and no longer being the sexiest man alive.

In other legislative news, the House Republicans have replaced their ethics chief, and rumors are that he was replaced for bringing ethics complaints against House Whip Tom DeLay last year. A spokesman for House Republicans said that the new ethics chief would uphold the highest ethics and hold all members of the party accountable and would be following the example of referees in professional wrestling, the Baseball Commissioner's steroid use prevention expert and the quality control chief at Wal-Mart.

It was announced that the US Government has been spending money on what Congressional Leaders call "Art that upholds and promotes moral values." Some of the art is currently on display at the National Institute of Passionless and Crappy Art, and some of the paintings included are:

-Well Behaved Children Bringing Grandmother Tea
-Oil Company Executives Swimming In Ill-Gotten Profits
-Lying The Country Into A War

and my personal favorite:

-Taking Social Security From The Elderly And Giving It To Brokers For New Suspenders And Cocaine

The paintings are all on velvet and will be available at yard sales sometime in the coming year.

It's been a year since the US Government enacted the "Anti-Spam Act," and showing just how well they are able to work on such things, most Americans report that they now are able to go almost 30 seconds without an e-mail misspelling Cialis or Viagra, and all of the e-mail from Nigerian Presidents who need your help in getting money out of their country now come from either Iraq or Syria. God Bless America!

In a final note from the White House, President George Bush announced that Laura would be releasing her first Rap Album later in the spring. It will be produced by P. Diddy, and Laura will now be referred to as L Bu (pronounced Elbow), and the White House was looking for "some bitches who know how to shake their asses in a family values kind of way."

Finally, in sports, it was announced that Kobe Bryant has given the OK for former coach Phil Jackson to return to coaching the team. It is said this in his agreement to work with Jackson again, Bryant asked for certain concessions, including more say in the playbook, acknowledgment of his "team leader" status and for Jackson not to say anything negative about his next two rape charges.

That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!

The Weekly News Update is copyright 2005, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.

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Heh. I got to use the "man date" joke again. And I'll be using it every chance I get AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!